Rants from high school: Harvey

I found a few random stories I wrote in high school. They're sooo jumbled and thought-vomit-esque, but I think they're hilarious! Glad my writing/ranting has become a bit more refined, though :)

Just a caveat, there are at least 2 stories going on here. Aren't you lucky?

To start off--first official injury is…to the back!

So, yesterday I went to the chiropractor for my back after my unfortunate tumble off the unicycle. Saw Dr. Fred. Yes, that's the chiropractor’s name. Strange, I know. I initially thought he was a hippy when I heard him refer to himself in that way, but who knows. Im still thinking about that one. So anyway , my lower back area been hurting beyond belief; and my Dad thinks it might be my sciatic nerve or something. So I betrayed David’s all-knowing authority and went to Fred yesterday. Strange man. I had do to all of these little 'tests’: hold up my arms, see if my legs were straight, etc. Very high-level high energy stuff. He must have been in the circus in his previous life (or career path) just because of all the energy he had. But I was too scared to ask him about it. Unfortunately my back still hurts like a mother, because all he did was tug and pull haphazardly (thanks a lot.) BUT my legs are even now!

So that’s story number one. Now, you may want a box of kleenex next to you for this next bit, it's very heart-wrenching. As most things about Harvey usually are.

I’ll begin with one of my favorite useless activities—naming things. The other night dad and Torswald hopped on my bandwagon of glorious name-making-for-inanimate objects insanity, and dad decided his name should be Mike. Why Mike? Because bicycle has 2 wheels (bi) and monocycle has one wheel (mono).

Ok, so youre probably still asking "why mike?" Well, I don’t know how you go from mono to mi-but it made sense at the time for him apparently. But I told him, “ No dad his name is Harvey- I can’t UNname him, that would be mean and scarring for him.” So his natural solution is. “Okay, how about Mike Harvey? or Harvey Mike? “ and Im like still, no that doesn't sound good! (Yes this conversation actually went on for about five minutes). So, apparently Mike is either his first name, middle name, or last name. Or he doesn’t have a last name. I’m letting him decide.

Either way Im going to paint his name on the seat in red. Or maybe lime green- i want the spokes lime green/red. Its gonna rock.

Next H-M related story: Or did i just get so off track w/ that name business and THIS IS the actual 'first story'. Hmm…Anyway, he’s still on “crutches” because of those dirty chinese manufactuers and their rice pudding! Yesterday we went to walmart to go get a new pump w/ an attachment for the inner tube. And in the back of my mind I knew it wouldn’t work so I looked at the inner tube sizes themselves. And guess what? Would you like a 16,18,24,26,27 inch tube? Why yes, maybe for that lovely Tonka bicycle on display there, but not for Harvey. NO 22 INCH TUBES. ANYWHERE. Not Kmart or walmart or sports authority or that special bike shop on Military Trl that is surrounded by sketchy men wearing denim jackets. Im very distraught about this, as you can tell.

But there is light at the end of this inner-tube tunnel. The good news is I did in fact get a helmet. Well, dad got me a helmet (very surprising. Thanks for that splurge, I’m sure it was very hard for you). And granted, I purchased said-helmet after I injured myself, but that’s not entirely important.

It's red and shiny, and in the store it had the "Snow White" effect on little children. That sounds mildly disturbing, but it's not. Its shininess attracted their bulging eyes to its shiny shiny red surface, like that pesky pesticide-injected apple that dwarf-lover (snow white) just HAD to eat. I found it very entertaining to watch their eyes fix on it and then I'd wave it around slightly so it would catch the light. Does that make me evil? No. I was just trying to give them some happiness. And you know what was ironic? This ONE spanish kid WAS eating an apple when his eyes just happened to stumble upon my helmet. Geez, what luck.

So yes, I have the helmet, the name, the seat fixed finally, BUT NO HARVEYNESS to complete my unicycling dreams! Thats the end of my story. We're selling shirts in the lobby. Good night