Dear Mom,
This is one of 1000 letters I could write to you.
You asked if I had 'mommy issues' and the answer is no, because that implies that you did something wrong. We have our problems, Im sure. Everyone does, but there is no reason for you to ever think that you are a cause of whatever it is I'm going through. But nevertheless, since we talked a few weeks back--about my 'attachment' or whatever-- I've been trying to figure it out and figure out what to tell you that would make sense to both of us.
you're my hero.There's no getting around this fact, and hopefully you know this by now.
But I think this also explains or sets the foundations for a lot of things that have evolved.
Younger days:
Like you said, I do remember being horribly attached to you (probably more of a physical cling when I was younger.) But is this a bad thing? I always felt close to you, like you were an ally or something against Dad and Kelly. You understood me, you gave good advice, and I always felt loved and supported. We were friends.
I also remember being deathly deathly terrified of losing you. I suppose both literally and metaphorically.
This was--and still is--a crippling fear. (I dont think I can stress this enough.)
This brings me to the next big stepping stone in my detachment: TAMPA
I mean, its no secret that I was a small disaster for those 2 years or whatever it was.
I missed you all the time, I felt alone and pissed off a lot, and I hated dad and wished he never had children. I probably also hated myself a lot. But that's just the rage talking :) Because I was also proud of you and happy that you had the time w/ Grandma.
And I also wanted to stay with my friends and finish school, so it was a lot of things....
I just remember sort of psyching myself up for every weekend you came, sort of preparing myself in a way...building this sort of shell while you were there, and then feeling empty and absolutely horrid come Sunday night.
It was just a lot of up and down and the inconsistency I think led to me really detaching myself from how I felt. And I never wanted to really talk to you about it then because I didn't want you to feel badly about it. And you shouldn't. So, I'm dealing with this stuff now. (this detachment thing), and I recognize this is a big player, but not impossible to recover from.
Currently:
you're still my hero. My best friend. And I am sorry for the sometimes being closed-off and for irritability I might project toward you. I am trying to open up.
I want us to be close(r) again....and hopefully all of this 'touchy-feely' stuff I'm doing will help us both.
Im sure there will be more to say soon.
You asked if I had 'mommy issues' and the answer is no, because that implies that you did something wrong. We have our problems, Im sure. Everyone does, but there is no reason for you to ever think that you are a cause of whatever it is I'm going through. But nevertheless, since we talked a few weeks back--about my 'attachment' or whatever-- I've been trying to figure it out and figure out what to tell you that would make sense to both of us.
you're my hero.There's no getting around this fact, and hopefully you know this by now.
But I think this also explains or sets the foundations for a lot of things that have evolved.
Younger days:
Like you said, I do remember being horribly attached to you (probably more of a physical cling when I was younger.) But is this a bad thing? I always felt close to you, like you were an ally or something against Dad and Kelly. You understood me, you gave good advice, and I always felt loved and supported. We were friends.
I also remember being deathly deathly terrified of losing you. I suppose both literally and metaphorically.
This was--and still is--a crippling fear. (I dont think I can stress this enough.)
And that is probably why I would have anxiety in middle school when the 'smoking van' would come; and while everyone else was gawking happily at cancered lungs I would silently freak out and pray for you to quit.This is probably really irrational, and I can recognize that, but I think this constant worry fuels a lot of my current tendency to distance myself from you. It's sometimes easier. (and completely ridiculous, yes). I wish I knew why I did this...but there you have it.
Ive seen your health issues and still sometimes obsessively and constantly worry about your health.
This brings me to the next big stepping stone in my detachment: TAMPA
I mean, its no secret that I was a small disaster for those 2 years or whatever it was.
I missed you all the time, I felt alone and pissed off a lot, and I hated dad and wished he never had children. I probably also hated myself a lot. But that's just the rage talking :) Because I was also proud of you and happy that you had the time w/ Grandma.
And I also wanted to stay with my friends and finish school, so it was a lot of things....
I just remember sort of psyching myself up for every weekend you came, sort of preparing myself in a way...building this sort of shell while you were there, and then feeling empty and absolutely horrid come Sunday night.
It was just a lot of up and down and the inconsistency I think led to me really detaching myself from how I felt. And I never wanted to really talk to you about it then because I didn't want you to feel badly about it. And you shouldn't. So, I'm dealing with this stuff now. (this detachment thing), and I recognize this is a big player, but not impossible to recover from.
Currently:
you're still my hero. My best friend. And I am sorry for the sometimes being closed-off and for irritability I might project toward you. I am trying to open up.
There is a lot I don't tell you.But then again, there's a lot I don't tell myself. And I feel like I've gone through a lot these past two years, sort of learning how to deal on my own (which is good?)
I want us to be close(r) again....and hopefully all of this 'touchy-feely' stuff I'm doing will help us both.
Im sure there will be more to say soon.
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