confront it.

I dont think I've ever had any real, meaningful, or maybe even positive physical encounters. I mean.....if they were positive (" ") they weren't meaningful, and if they were real (as in they happened) they weren't necessarily positive (maybe fun but not positive. That all makes sense to me.) Unfortunately I think I have to deal with this:


I was 8. Maybe 10. You asked me if I 'had hair' and I was confused by your question. so you drew a picture in the dust of the car windshield with your finger.
You were 18.
Later, memories of trampolines..and me and Justin. And you, waiting for us to respond. It gets fuzzy from there. But I think I knew better...and that's what I'm sticking with and hoping for.

-----

You assumed my insecurities made me vulnerable and naive. I went along with it.
"Innocent" doesn't mean stupid.
I love you shouldn't be a tactic. It should be something I believe and feel. And I haven't thus far.
In any case, I never believed you. And always thought it was silly that you thought I did.
I said yes when I should have said no.
I said no, you got angry and distant.

You were considerate, and I liked that. But to go from one extreme to the next made me feel cheap sometimes.
Something wrong with me shouldn't be the first response in my head.
constant "make outs" are meaningless.
There is no "first make out". First kiss, yes. And I don't care to remember any of mine.

-----this is probably the beginning of a long list of shallow events. However dramatic.-------

And because I know this is different. It matters. and I feel it. and that makes me nervous and a little cautious. But these are good things.