I wish this wasn't an ongoing problem, but here we are
You know those stories about dads leaving one family and having another seemingly happier, more functional one? Sometimes I feel like that's what happened.
Come to think of it, we used to joke that my dad had another family somewhere and that's why he was pre-occupied. He spent all his affection on them, so we got what was left.
Except he didnt have another family. He also didn't work for the CIA, which was our other theory as to why we didn't know anything about him.
That would have been cool. And sort of forgivable. Even if you had a long-hour, super dedicated job, that would seem somewhat legitimate.
But you certainly weren't working much. And all that I got from you was feeling like we didn't matter and wondering what your deal was and why you even bothered to begin with.
My awareness of this kicked into hyper-drive when I started seeing how my friends' families behaved around each other. And I always remember feeling really envious and sad when I could feel the love in a household as long as it wasn't my own. Knowing that I sometimes (still) feel more a part of my friends' families than I do my own.
Luckily I can now just be grateful and sufficiently happy with that feeling of belonging with them and none of this 'empty' business.
I don't have any specifics, and it was by no means anything 'horrible' and totally affection-less, but you always seemed...spent. Reserved and hesitant. Minimum--pat you on the back instead of hug--type.
Never a good job, but always a "what happened to the other 5 points?".
Now that I'm older I understand that we weren't without love, you just don't show it. I don't know why that is, and honestly it doesn't make it okay.
All I ever wanted was for you to be proud of me. To feel love and to see it day-to-day. To feel these things from you for even a moment. That is why when I looked (or still look) at your card I felt upset and overwhelmed and angry and bewildered and even happy at the same time. It seems like the simplest of requests. And I know you can't show it [the way I need you to].
I want the knowing-its-there to be enough.
And I really really don't want to be like my dad in this regard. So when I have trouble expressing how I feel to or about people it brings me to associations of him and this sort of ridiculous root of feeling .....without. or broken. Or something.
Come to think of it, we used to joke that my dad had another family somewhere and that's why he was pre-occupied. He spent all his affection on them, so we got what was left.
Except he didnt have another family. He also didn't work for the CIA, which was our other theory as to why we didn't know anything about him.
That would have been cool. And sort of forgivable. Even if you had a long-hour, super dedicated job, that would seem somewhat legitimate.
But you certainly weren't working much. And all that I got from you was feeling like we didn't matter and wondering what your deal was and why you even bothered to begin with.
My awareness of this kicked into hyper-drive when I started seeing how my friends' families behaved around each other. And I always remember feeling really envious and sad when I could feel the love in a household as long as it wasn't my own. Knowing that I sometimes (still) feel more a part of my friends' families than I do my own.
Luckily I can now just be grateful and sufficiently happy with that feeling of belonging with them and none of this 'empty' business.
I don't have any specifics, and it was by no means anything 'horrible' and totally affection-less, but you always seemed...spent. Reserved and hesitant. Minimum--pat you on the back instead of hug--type.
Never a good job, but always a "what happened to the other 5 points?".
Now that I'm older I understand that we weren't without love, you just don't show it. I don't know why that is, and honestly it doesn't make it okay.
All I ever wanted was for you to be proud of me. To feel love and to see it day-to-day. To feel these things from you for even a moment. That is why when I looked (or still look) at your card I felt upset and overwhelmed and angry and bewildered and even happy at the same time. It seems like the simplest of requests. And I know you can't show it [the way I need you to].
I want the knowing-its-there to be enough.
And I really really don't want to be like my dad in this regard. So when I have trouble expressing how I feel to or about people it brings me to associations of him and this sort of ridiculous root of feeling .....without. or broken. Or something.
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