What am I talking about??

Here's a 'letter' or something I made a while ago...I don't know from when (though obviously written when 'physical' things started and of course caused me some anxiety because Im a weirdo!) I have no idea what it's about in concrete terms and it makes very little sense, but there were some parts I liked:

I think I could make a career out of resistance. I resist everything, but only if it's internally driven. Any outside influence and I'm fine-- I become objective and open minded and rational. And functional. Once I turn inward, it's like a twisted game of tug-of-war. I put pressure and expectations on myself in the same way that I imagine you would to a balloon you're trying to pop. It makes it difficult to stop and let go; and this is where I find my issues. 

I like balloons. I don't like the sound a balloon makes when it is popped. This gesture seems violent and unnecessary, but kudos to me for making that analogy. 

And then, sure enough, I start to get confused. Ideas get muddled and sentences drag on and on. this is very characteristic of my 'letters', actually. Take, for example, this "it" I speak of. What is the it and why am I talking about it? Would this whole thing make more sense if it were just free style stream of consciousness? Montage? Pastiche? So many options. Screw grammar and punctuation, let me be freee!

Anyway, this letter has something to do with 'intimacy' and connections and body- something- or other and trying not to be distant. Or maybe it's trying to understand my early-days- hesitance and tendency to withdraw. But I really can't decipher anything more than that. It's all speculative at this point! But I'm going to put it here anyway.

It's more than a "I hate my body thing", which is only sometimes true. And I think it's even more than an "I'm uncomfortable with my body/ in my own skin" issue. It's more about..vulnerability. Or maybe about you thinking I'm attractive..or unattractive. So it's pressure and insecurity and feeling unsure, but somehow still doesn't amount to those things.
It's also vulnerability in the sense that I've already opened up to you in the other ways I could.

I feel things I've been wanting to feel about a person and maybe that amplifies my fears about physical connection. I also used to think that when I found this emotional connection with someone my issues with intimacy would fall into place; like the feelings would take over and it would be alright. 

So basically this part of the 'letter' should be called ambiguous word vomit on a page. And it sort of just stops without resolution, which is annoying. I don't know what I'm getting at here, but luckily this has no bearing on my current feelings and has become irrelevant.  Hooray! 

It is now just something I can read and laugh about and wonder... What the hell am I talking about??

Yes.