This started somewhere...and ended someplace entirely different.
Sometimes I think about my social patterns and can't help but conclude that I was kind of a strange kid. I have this theory that I wasn't socialized properly; I didnt play outside, I never looked forward to parties, and even actively avoided social situations. Later, I went through this period from about age 10-17 where I felt socially isolated and I kind of liked it.
I was enamured with the idea of loss, renewal, transition etc. in admittedly depressing ways sometimes. I liked poetry that was depressing, I identified with fictional characters that dealt with boredom and restlessness and discontent and personal quests. I liked 'the hero', but I also liked when the hero failed.
Wandering, curious, lost, and most-likely existentialist characters meant something to me. I lived in their narratives because I didn't have one of my own.
I was self-sufficient--as much as a seventeen year old can be, I guess-- and more -or- less happy. Though quite honestly I don't think I really knew the difference. I probably spent way too much time toiling in my head to actually stop and consider this as a possibility anyway. I don't really know what I'm getting at....but I was a loner for a long time, and I was okay with that. Only recently did it shift to the other extreme.
But today I had this not-so-novel realization that I'm happy. SO happy. This isn't new, by any means. It has happened many times before, this realization-thing; but each time is just as powerful as the next. It gets me started, briefly, on thoughts of how happiness can be/"should be (?)" self-derived vs. how it's the result of others. The former is true for me a lot of the times these days.
But then just the sheer force of it gets me to shut up and live in the moment with epic amounts of appreciation and bewilderment. I'm taken back again and again by the force of it.
Even more to the point:
I'm not usually the 'overly emotional type', but when you realize that you would do almost anything to make someone else happy --that you would do anything for that someone-- I feel like you can't help but put on a show for the people sitting around you. It's pretty powerful.
I only wish I could have seen my face during this time of unknown duration.
I was enamured with the idea of loss, renewal, transition etc. in admittedly depressing ways sometimes. I liked poetry that was depressing, I identified with fictional characters that dealt with boredom and restlessness and discontent and personal quests. I liked 'the hero', but I also liked when the hero failed.
Wandering, curious, lost, and most-likely existentialist characters meant something to me. I lived in their narratives because I didn't have one of my own.
I was self-sufficient--as much as a seventeen year old can be, I guess-- and more -or- less happy. Though quite honestly I don't think I really knew the difference. I probably spent way too much time toiling in my head to actually stop and consider this as a possibility anyway. I don't really know what I'm getting at....but I was a loner for a long time, and I was okay with that. Only recently did it shift to the other extreme.
But today I had this not-so-novel realization that I'm happy. SO happy. This isn't new, by any means. It has happened many times before, this realization-thing; but each time is just as powerful as the next. It gets me started, briefly, on thoughts of how happiness can be/"should be (?)" self-derived vs. how it's the result of others. The former is true for me a lot of the times these days.
But then just the sheer force of it gets me to shut up and live in the moment with epic amounts of appreciation and bewilderment. I'm taken back again and again by the force of it.
Even more to the point:
I'm not usually the 'overly emotional type', but when you realize that you would do almost anything to make someone else happy --that you would do anything for that someone-- I feel like you can't help but put on a show for the people sitting around you. It's pretty powerful.
I only wish I could have seen my face during this time of unknown duration.
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