Relief

I feel like I've been holding onto some giant secret for over a year now, letting it gnaw away at me slowly every so often, regrettably so.
it was compressed and shoved away into a place where I put 'difficult emotions'--a place I can't access easily, or a place I don't want to go.

so I guess I always imagined that letting it go would release some instant feeling of relief or closure or something, like a giant weight lifted.

It wasn't instantaneous. There was no physical equivalent to my emotional baggage being carried away by some metaphorical bell hop.
It was emotional and really friggin difficult and with a lot of inflated and unecessary anxiety, but not in the way I was really expecting (other than my mini -breakdown, which did of course happen in the parking lot of Best Western)

I think it will be okay though. It will be okay. and I can't be any happier or any more thankful for my mom and sister.
and Pollen.


Basically, I feel silly for making this into something else to torture myself with. :P

Also, I can recognize the difference in how I was a year ago and how I am today. This is a good place, something concrete, where I can think about things and look at her and be happy about where I am (even if I'm still a little confused by it all). As opposed to the deep, mysterious abyss that is 'my identity', which is essentially where I was last year....looking for answers and getting nothing but confusion and more questions and feeling totally and utterly alone.

I'd much rather be here.