Maybe "weird" isn't the right word
Today has been one of those days where I can't wake up, can't focus, can't get motivated, and can't stay positive.
I ran into Andrea today during the lunch hour, as I was aimlessly walking around WC in an effort to avoid planting it on a couch in Welles Brown and giving up for the afternoon. We griped about Take 5, and how it feels... weird... to still be here. We couldn't get any further than that in our analysis, really, but I have some ideas. It's more than how we don't know anyone, or how we disrupted the 'natural order of things', or that our best friends are geographically scattered...Things feel 'off'.
I feel like I have no sense of purpose.
Granted, I'm grateful for this opportunity--it's kind of a big deal-- and sometimes feel badly about how I complain about it; but lately (and by lately I mean the past 2 years), I'm just BORED with myself and I'm tired of not knowing what I'm doing (even though at the same time I tell myself its okay). But I need to feel like I'm doing something that matters, even if it's just to one other person and even if it's only for a little while.
At the end of the day, when you ask "What did you do today?", I hate the repetition in my answer. "Nothing, class.... Learned about XYZ". Or maybe it's "Nothing. Class then Boulder." Which makes me feel worse. It gets old quickly and I don't feel proud of what I'm doing. I'm a student, sure, fine, great! It's also a good 'excuse' for me to say I'm a barista if I'm 'still going to school'; but I don't get the same fulfillment or satisfaction that I used to. Being a student has lost its luster, it just feels like I'm wasting time or that I "should" be doing something else, figuring things out. School isn't a place for me to explore interests anymore, I need to do that on my own terms. I just don't know what those are or how to start.
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in the interest of "optimism", here are the positives:
My loans defer. Let's be serious, these are the difference between living at home and/or homelessness and remaining independent and with a roof over my head.
Resources: Career Center (let's just pretend theyre helpful), professors, etc etc
more time for recommendation letters
It's easier to get an internship when you're a student. I should get on that.
And the big reason: LEARNING. Yes. I quickly forget that I actually like this part.And I feel like knowledge, in the general sense, is easily taken for granted.
I ran into Andrea today during the lunch hour, as I was aimlessly walking around WC in an effort to avoid planting it on a couch in Welles Brown and giving up for the afternoon. We griped about Take 5, and how it feels... weird... to still be here. We couldn't get any further than that in our analysis, really, but I have some ideas. It's more than how we don't know anyone, or how we disrupted the 'natural order of things', or that our best friends are geographically scattered...Things feel 'off'.
I feel like I have no sense of purpose.
Granted, I'm grateful for this opportunity--it's kind of a big deal-- and sometimes feel badly about how I complain about it; but lately (and by lately I mean the past 2 years), I'm just BORED with myself and I'm tired of not knowing what I'm doing (even though at the same time I tell myself its okay). But I need to feel like I'm doing something that matters, even if it's just to one other person and even if it's only for a little while.
At the end of the day, when you ask "What did you do today?", I hate the repetition in my answer. "Nothing, class.... Learned about XYZ". Or maybe it's "Nothing. Class then Boulder." Which makes me feel worse. It gets old quickly and I don't feel proud of what I'm doing. I'm a student, sure, fine, great! It's also a good 'excuse' for me to say I'm a barista if I'm 'still going to school'; but I don't get the same fulfillment or satisfaction that I used to. Being a student has lost its luster, it just feels like I'm wasting time or that I "should" be doing something else, figuring things out. School isn't a place for me to explore interests anymore, I need to do that on my own terms. I just don't know what those are or how to start.
-----------------------
in the interest of "optimism", here are the positives:
My loans defer. Let's be serious, these are the difference between living at home and/or homelessness and remaining independent and with a roof over my head.
Resources: Career Center (let's just pretend theyre helpful), professors, etc etc
more time for recommendation letters
It's easier to get an internship when you're a student. I should get on that.
And the big reason: LEARNING. Yes. I quickly forget that I actually like this part.And I feel like knowledge, in the general sense, is easily taken for granted.
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