crush me-and make it quick
What am I gonna do next year? Where am I going to live--do I look for/find a job and move somewhere or stay in Rochester where I can sorta kinda afford to live and just settle into mediocrity with two jobs and try to slowly dig myself out of a hole? Do I move home and save money and be miserable? Americorps? Homeless shelter? Faking my own death? Not faking my own death? When will it/can it possibly be feasible for me to go to grad school? for what? What about when you move onto bigger and better things?
What?
Sometimes I hate that my parents told me to go where I wanted--that "the money doesn't matter."
And I hate that I was idealistic and naive enough to believe them. (I felt entitled to go to a top school, I was a 'top student' and I worked hard for it. I thought that good college => good life. Or something. It would all pay off in the end, so don't worry about the cost.)
Of course it fucking matters. I'm sitting on about 40 grand of debt that is ALL.ON.ME. My parents don't have to worry about it. They didn't have to worry about any of those bills. They were as easy to dismiss as a homeless man begging for change on the corner while you're in your car with the windows rolled up. "We just can't afford it". That's all there was to it. The Magic Words and I'm supposed to forget about needing help?
Once or twice they helped scramble for a couple grand when it was crunch time, I can't deny that. But otherwise, they got off relatively scott free with payments, and I haven't been able to even consider paying loans back because all 4 years I was struggling just to pay for what was going on at that moment.
Sometimes I wish I had just quit when I got the withdraw papers.
I wish I knew what I wanted to do. Or how to do it.
I wish I felt like I had a chance to prosper with this giant weight on me. I want this debt to feel worth it. It doesn't.
I wish I even knew how to begin to pay this off. That I understood the system better.
I wish I had options.
I wish my parents were more responsible--or at least realistic and helpful when it matters.
I dont want to feel useless. Or to feel like I'm dragging you down [in some not-so-hypothetical future where I become more-than-penniless and dead weight.]
Mostly I just want to crawl into a hole and not exist.
This feels impossible to overcome.
What?
Sometimes I hate that my parents told me to go where I wanted--that "the money doesn't matter."
And I hate that I was idealistic and naive enough to believe them. (I felt entitled to go to a top school, I was a 'top student' and I worked hard for it. I thought that good college => good life. Or something. It would all pay off in the end, so don't worry about the cost.)
Of course it fucking matters. I'm sitting on about 40 grand of debt that is ALL.ON.ME. My parents don't have to worry about it. They didn't have to worry about any of those bills. They were as easy to dismiss as a homeless man begging for change on the corner while you're in your car with the windows rolled up. "We just can't afford it". That's all there was to it. The Magic Words and I'm supposed to forget about needing help?
Once or twice they helped scramble for a couple grand when it was crunch time, I can't deny that. But otherwise, they got off relatively scott free with payments, and I haven't been able to even consider paying loans back because all 4 years I was struggling just to pay for what was going on at that moment.
Sometimes I wish I had just quit when I got the withdraw papers.
I wish I knew what I wanted to do. Or how to do it.
I wish I felt like I had a chance to prosper with this giant weight on me. I want this debt to feel worth it. It doesn't.
I wish I even knew how to begin to pay this off. That I understood the system better.
I wish I had options.
I wish my parents were more responsible--or at least realistic and helpful when it matters.
I dont want to feel useless. Or to feel like I'm dragging you down [in some not-so-hypothetical future where I become more-than-penniless and dead weight.]
Mostly I just want to crawl into a hole and not exist.
This feels impossible to overcome.
But maybe...hopefully...there's a reason for how things play out.
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