Figure out what you want, and take a path (mom)
I just had a really great talk with my mom. Really uncomfortable for me, but something we had to do.
lay our stuff out on the table.
She told me she's been sensing a lot of 'turmoil' from me lately. Hearing her say that really threw me off, I have to admit. I guess it's strange to hear it acknowledged. that statement is kind of a loaded gun, because it means so many things to me.
I realized from our conversation (or maybe just my awkardness toward our emotional catharses) that Im so much more emotionally blocked than I should be. Or rather, as my mom put it:
Put simply, I have no idea. And I guess I didn't realize it was that big of an issue, but maybe it is..?
It was kind of nice to hear the tenderness in her voice when she said that she sees so much in me. some sort of 'greatness'--not greatness like Lion King (yea that's right. Very mature analogy if I do say so myself). Something else.
I know exactly what she meant by this while at the same time i have absolutely no idea. But I could tell it took her a lot to muster up the words to this little observation.
What do I want? I don't know. Am I supposed to have a check-list?
How do you explain to someone that lately you have trouble finding anything real and meaningful and worth pursuing? How do I all of the sudden bring to light part of my life you've had no place in and how it sometimes drives me crazy? Somehow I dont think we're ready for girl talk.
I want what any person wants really: happiness, companionship, etc. Mostly I want to feel fulfilled. I want to feel connected. I want know who I am and not be afraid to acknowledge it. I want to be there for someone who needs me. I want to be needed. I want to see myself for who I am (as others see me) and who I should be.
While I do feel this constant need to 'seek out' something, I certainly do find joy and beauty in seemingly trivial things. Most of the time, that's enough for me. And for now i don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to want something more, even if i haven't found it yet.
Anyway, this isn't just about me. It's about my mother. It's been a long time since we've had any sort of heart-to-heart, and it's becoming clear to me the difference between seeing her as my mom (as I did perhaps when I was younger) and as a person who needs just as much support and companionship as she dishes out to everyone else.
She is the strongest person I know--she's gone through so much in her life and always finds her way. She's more understanding than most people, and loves me unconditionally. And yet, I still find myself putting up this wall and I dont know why. I really wish I didn't...one of my fears is that I just don't show enough compassion and love towards those I really care about.
In that moment, I wanted to be all the comfort you needed--to make you feel like a good person, a good mother, a good friend. Because you are. you are someone who deserves everything and more. You deserve to have someone to talk to about this that isn't your daughter--someone to take the pressure and guilt away and not add to it. I know how you have a tendency to feel this way for "burdening me" with your problems and for not being able to provide like you would like.
I never feel burdened by you. I'm honored to be your friend as well as your daughter. In all my awkwardness I wasn't able to be there for you then, but I think we're on our way...
lay our stuff out on the table.
She told me she's been sensing a lot of 'turmoil' from me lately. Hearing her say that really threw me off, I have to admit. I guess it's strange to hear it acknowledged. that statement is kind of a loaded gun, because it means so many things to me.
I realized from our conversation (or maybe just my awkardness toward our emotional catharses) that Im so much more emotionally blocked than I should be. Or rather, as my mom put it:
"Why do you hold yourself back?"
Put simply, I have no idea. And I guess I didn't realize it was that big of an issue, but maybe it is..?
It was kind of nice to hear the tenderness in her voice when she said that she sees so much in me. some sort of 'greatness'--not greatness like Lion King (yea that's right. Very mature analogy if I do say so myself). Something else.
I know exactly what she meant by this while at the same time i have absolutely no idea. But I could tell it took her a lot to muster up the words to this little observation.
What do I want? I don't know. Am I supposed to have a check-list?
How do you explain to someone that lately you have trouble finding anything real and meaningful and worth pursuing? How do I all of the sudden bring to light part of my life you've had no place in and how it sometimes drives me crazy? Somehow I dont think we're ready for girl talk.
I want what any person wants really: happiness, companionship, etc. Mostly I want to feel fulfilled. I want to feel connected. I want know who I am and not be afraid to acknowledge it. I want to be there for someone who needs me. I want to be needed. I want to see myself for who I am (as others see me) and who I should be.
While I do feel this constant need to 'seek out' something, I certainly do find joy and beauty in seemingly trivial things. Most of the time, that's enough for me. And for now i don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to want something more, even if i haven't found it yet.
Anyway, this isn't just about me. It's about my mother. It's been a long time since we've had any sort of heart-to-heart, and it's becoming clear to me the difference between seeing her as my mom (as I did perhaps when I was younger) and as a person who needs just as much support and companionship as she dishes out to everyone else.
She is the strongest person I know--she's gone through so much in her life and always finds her way. She's more understanding than most people, and loves me unconditionally. And yet, I still find myself putting up this wall and I dont know why. I really wish I didn't...one of my fears is that I just don't show enough compassion and love towards those I really care about.
In that moment, I wanted to be all the comfort you needed--to make you feel like a good person, a good mother, a good friend. Because you are. you are someone who deserves everything and more. You deserve to have someone to talk to about this that isn't your daughter--someone to take the pressure and guilt away and not add to it. I know how you have a tendency to feel this way for "burdening me" with your problems and for not being able to provide like you would like.
I never feel burdened by you. I'm honored to be your friend as well as your daughter. In all my awkwardness I wasn't able to be there for you then, but I think we're on our way...
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