breadcrumbs.
Maybe Mr. Man with the weird European name and my mother are right.
And I make weird associations and seek out crazy similarities all because of my close proximity to one event and one unfortunate scary topic.
(As in, whoops I knew someone who was miserable for a long time and I had no idea-probably because he didn't want to put that on someone else...but what the hell do I know.)
When you say "I get scary sometimes", I find myself recalling stories that Bill has said about Dan and.......how shitty that is from all angles. I don't even know where to begin with that one.
How shitty it was for Bill. How it made him feel....guilt...helplessness...like it was something he did. Well, this situation is not the same thing AT ALL, so really it's just bad to even put myself close to it, maybe? But I still think about it [ie, someone else carrying another's burden] nonetheless. Not the other part.)
I think about it mostly when I can see that my inability to control my own emotions affects you negatively. And in those moments it leaves me wondering if I'm somehow "like them."
That's why I dont like when you say I'm scary. And why I don't like being scary.
Why sometimes I tend to think it's not fair or nice for me to 'make' you have to deal with me, and you shouldn't have to, and I should just go be "sad" and wall-like (for a brief period of time) in solitary.........
--
I am kind of amused, though, that sometimes I worry about pushing you away, and then it stresses me out and that compounds into internalizing, which then leads to 'deadness' that actually DOES [probably] push you away. genius! This is what they call self-defeatist. yay.
And I make weird associations and seek out crazy similarities all because of my close proximity to one event and one unfortunate scary topic.
(As in, whoops I knew someone who was miserable for a long time and I had no idea-probably because he didn't want to put that on someone else...but what the hell do I know.)
When you say "I get scary sometimes", I find myself recalling stories that Bill has said about Dan and.......how shitty that is from all angles. I don't even know where to begin with that one.
How shitty it was for Bill. How it made him feel....guilt...helplessness...like it was something he did. Well, this situation is not the same thing AT ALL, so really it's just bad to even put myself close to it, maybe? But I still think about it [ie, someone else carrying another's burden] nonetheless. Not the other part.)
I think about it mostly when I can see that my inability to control my own emotions affects you negatively. And in those moments it leaves me wondering if I'm somehow "like them."
That's why I dont like when you say I'm scary. And why I don't like being scary.
Why sometimes I tend to think it's not fair or nice for me to 'make' you have to deal with me, and you shouldn't have to, and I should just go be "sad" and wall-like (for a brief period of time) in solitary.........
--
I am kind of amused, though, that sometimes I worry about pushing you away, and then it stresses me out and that compounds into internalizing, which then leads to 'deadness' that actually DOES [probably] push you away. genius! This is what they call self-defeatist. yay.
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