Some conversations leave me crying on the floor in the fetal position. It's fine.
This has absolutely NOTHING to do w/ the significant other and has everything to do with me and my own fears.
----------------------------
So. Let's talk about how Sarah is a big gay-gay, in the most incomprehensible way possible (seriously, this post makes no sense to anyone). And also about family dynamics and 'coming out' and that thing called "unconditional love."
This whole topic sucks, basically, is what I'm getting at.
---
I understand that freaking out is normal, and that maybe I freak out a little too much, expect the worst, and am terribly hard on myself all at the same time (hence, the fetal position.) but...I think the reason why I do is that each time I have to tell someone else (well, really only the few particular people in my family), I'm also in effect telling myself something that I have had trouble coming to terms with, in varying degrees for the past few years.
It re-enforces 'the' answer to the question more than the question, and that's hard for me.
On the dad issue:
It's especially hard for me to face this because until about a year ago I honest-to-god did not think he loved me. Well, this is more of a process of believing: teenage-Sarahgerin did not believe this to be true. More "adult" Sarahgerin understood that it wasn't because of the absence of love, just the absence of showing. That's the crucial difference that has helped me reconcile.
But, that 'fear' or issue is nevertheless still very much a huge, daunting presence in my psyche. And even more to the point- it's terrifying for me to think that love can be conditional, or even something-less-than unconditional, especially for someone that has trouble dealing with 'things' and showing support and emotion and love.
On the "Me" issue:
My brother hit the nail on the head with this one yesterday, without even trying. "...It's okay. I sort of knew you were......you know....."
--What, GAY?"
If we don't say it out loud, we can ignore it.
That's been my tactic, too.
Well, I don't know one way or the other how to deal with this statement. Or I don't want to know. Or I dont want to drive myself crazy with the back and forth while I try to figure it out. That's what junior year was for. I think it would be easier for me if I could just definitively say to everyone, "Hey family member X, I'm gay. And I have a wonderful relationship with an amazing girl too! hooray for me being gay and in love. woo hoo." But I can't say that, that's just not how it works for me (at least, not just yet.)
Honestly...it comes down to me not being sure if I am......you know...(haha, Kelly) and -more importantly- if I'm okay with it....Which is just plain DUMB because if I am I am and that's OKAY. (eff you society.)
Fighting what you know to be true (or, at least what you think might be true) leads to epic downfalls. Seriously, people. Go read some literature.
----------------------------
So. Let's talk about how Sarah is a big gay-gay, in the most incomprehensible way possible (seriously, this post makes no sense to anyone). And also about family dynamics and 'coming out' and that thing called "unconditional love."
This whole topic sucks, basically, is what I'm getting at.
---
I understand that freaking out is normal, and that maybe I freak out a little too much, expect the worst, and am terribly hard on myself all at the same time (hence, the fetal position.) but...I think the reason why I do is that each time I have to tell someone else (well, really only the few particular people in my family), I'm also in effect telling myself something that I have had trouble coming to terms with, in varying degrees for the past few years.
It re-enforces 'the' answer to the question more than the question, and that's hard for me.
On the dad issue:
It's especially hard for me to face this because until about a year ago I honest-to-god did not think he loved me. Well, this is more of a process of believing: teenage-Sarahgerin did not believe this to be true. More "adult" Sarahgerin understood that it wasn't because of the absence of love, just the absence of showing. That's the crucial difference that has helped me reconcile.
But, that 'fear' or issue is nevertheless still very much a huge, daunting presence in my psyche. And even more to the point- it's terrifying for me to think that love can be conditional, or even something-less-than unconditional, especially for someone that has trouble dealing with 'things' and showing support and emotion and love.
On the "Me" issue:
My brother hit the nail on the head with this one yesterday, without even trying. "...It's okay. I sort of knew you were......you know....."
--What, GAY?"
If we don't say it out loud, we can ignore it.
That's been my tactic, too.
Well, I don't know one way or the other how to deal with this statement. Or I don't want to know. Or I dont want to drive myself crazy with the back and forth while I try to figure it out. That's what junior year was for. I think it would be easier for me if I could just definitively say to everyone, "Hey family member X, I'm gay. And I have a wonderful relationship with an amazing girl too! hooray for me being gay and in love. woo hoo." But I can't say that, that's just not how it works for me (at least, not just yet.)
Honestly...it comes down to me not being sure if I am......you know...(haha, Kelly) and -more importantly- if I'm okay with it....Which is just plain DUMB because if I am I am and that's OKAY. (eff you society.)
Fighting what you know to be true (or, at least what you think might be true) leads to epic downfalls. Seriously, people. Go read some literature.
Comments
Post a Comment