I need to learn to let this crap go before it eats me alive
Warning: this is unforgiving, full of hate, and probably a little misguided and one-sided, but I dont care.
let's rant, shall we?
IM SO BITTER AND RESENTFUL TOWARDS MY PARENTS SOMETIMES, I CAN HARDLY STAND IT
I don't understand why NOTHING ever gets taken care of. Ever. For any of us.
Every day stuff: This might be dumb but---going to school. Let's leave at the last possible second EVERY DAY so that we're late and get in trouble. okay! Going to and from school, especially when you don't have a full time job isn't that hard. You didnt work!! What did you do with your time??? Great example to set.
....BEING PRESENT.
My favorite memories of you are when you'd actually get up and leave when it was time to eat dinner. You'd eventually come back after we had all scattered off to our rooms. What the hell was that about??
Let's not eat dinner together or ever talk about our lives. Let's not care. Sounds good to me!
Let's not take you to appointments you made on your own because that's the only way to get anywhere. Let's not teach you how to drive or ride a bike or even take you to turn in job applications.
Lets not know where you're applying to school until you're talking about booking tickets and moving. Let's not be realistic about how you're not going to help throughout the four years. Let's put it on me about how I "knew how much it would cost".
Whatever, who cares. Nobody needs to feel loved all the time or have encouragement or family vacations or togetherness. This is what TV and being a loner is for. BUT what about things like health?
Let's move onto .."The Larger Issues"
---------------------------------------------------------
who sucks at taking care of their kids? oh I know!
Let's never go to the doctor when we should--like, oh I dunno, when someone is crouched over in the public library in the fetal position due to the fifth stomach attack in one week. Or when you can't even get out of bed in the morning because the pressure in your head makes you want to shoot it off with a rusty shotgun.
Or, even better! Lets never invest in health insurance or dental insurance and only take them to discount doctors that are whackos and discount dentists that fuck up your teeth! Let's need to be harassed 13,000 times before we consider doing even that.
I hate to say it, but sometimes (when I had my epic 8 year saga of constant miserable pain) I hoped that something serious would happen to me just so you two would get off your asses and DO something.
I mean, in all seriousness, no-the thought of bleeding internally or ruptured organs or something is not an attractive prospect, but at the time it sure beat constant pain that was just chalked up to "normal Sarah". ugh
Don't take your child to counseling after she's asked you AND me at least fifty times, even after I've disclosed things to you after promising I wouldn't. Let's not take these things seriously, even after you have obviously been unhappy for over a decade and know what it's like. Let's wait until things get bad--or maybe until something "happens". Good plan.
Let's "maybe" get things done ONLY on someone else's dollar and then not even finish the job or go back for consultation b/c its inconvenient. LETS WAIT UNTIL THINGS GET WORSE BEFORE WE EVEN THINK ABOUT TAKING CARE OF IT!
LSDJFKLASJGKLDASJGLAJGLASJLAJFKLAJF I hate this needless bullshit.
--------------------------------------
wow I feel better.
In retrospect, it could be worse and I actually feel really bad about seeming so inconsiderate and unappreciative (which isnt true, really). I never suffered from abuse or neglect or homelessness (except that one time, but it doesnt count.) So why do I feel so bad? My life wasnt that bad. Stop whining!!
I think it comes down to this: I don't like feeling like an inconvenience. I don't like feeling insignificant. I spent a good part of my life feeling unloved because my parents were dysfunctional, lazy, and emotional retards. One day I hope to get their point of view on all of this. Memories warp in funny ways....I know this. Everyone write a book!!
I'm never having kids.
let's rant, shall we?
IM SO BITTER AND RESENTFUL TOWARDS MY PARENTS SOMETIMES, I CAN HARDLY STAND IT
I don't understand why NOTHING ever gets taken care of. Ever. For any of us.
Every day stuff: This might be dumb but---going to school. Let's leave at the last possible second EVERY DAY so that we're late and get in trouble. okay! Going to and from school, especially when you don't have a full time job isn't that hard. You didnt work!! What did you do with your time??? Great example to set.
....BEING PRESENT.
My favorite memories of you are when you'd actually get up and leave when it was time to eat dinner. You'd eventually come back after we had all scattered off to our rooms. What the hell was that about??
Let's not eat dinner together or ever talk about our lives. Let's not care. Sounds good to me!
Let's not take you to appointments you made on your own because that's the only way to get anywhere. Let's not teach you how to drive or ride a bike or even take you to turn in job applications.
Lets not know where you're applying to school until you're talking about booking tickets and moving. Let's not be realistic about how you're not going to help throughout the four years. Let's put it on me about how I "knew how much it would cost".
Whatever, who cares. Nobody needs to feel loved all the time or have encouragement or family vacations or togetherness. This is what TV and being a loner is for. BUT what about things like health?
Let's move onto .."The Larger Issues"
---------------------------------------------------------
who sucks at taking care of their kids? oh I know!
Let's never go to the doctor when we should--like, oh I dunno, when someone is crouched over in the public library in the fetal position due to the fifth stomach attack in one week. Or when you can't even get out of bed in the morning because the pressure in your head makes you want to shoot it off with a rusty shotgun.
Or, even better! Lets never invest in health insurance or dental insurance and only take them to discount doctors that are whackos and discount dentists that fuck up your teeth! Let's need to be harassed 13,000 times before we consider doing even that.
I hate to say it, but sometimes (when I had my epic 8 year saga of constant miserable pain) I hoped that something serious would happen to me just so you two would get off your asses and DO something.
I mean, in all seriousness, no-the thought of bleeding internally or ruptured organs or something is not an attractive prospect, but at the time it sure beat constant pain that was just chalked up to "normal Sarah". ugh
Don't take your child to counseling after she's asked you AND me at least fifty times, even after I've disclosed things to you after promising I wouldn't. Let's not take these things seriously, even after you have obviously been unhappy for over a decade and know what it's like. Let's wait until things get bad--or maybe until something "happens". Good plan.
Let's "maybe" get things done ONLY on someone else's dollar and then not even finish the job or go back for consultation b/c its inconvenient. LETS WAIT UNTIL THINGS GET WORSE BEFORE WE EVEN THINK ABOUT TAKING CARE OF IT!
LSDJFKLASJGKLDASJGLAJGLASJLAJFKLAJF I hate this needless bullshit.
--------------------------------------
wow I feel better.
In retrospect, it could be worse and I actually feel really bad about seeming so inconsiderate and unappreciative (which isnt true, really). I never suffered from abuse or neglect or homelessness (except that one time, but it doesnt count.) So why do I feel so bad? My life wasnt that bad. Stop whining!!
I think it comes down to this: I don't like feeling like an inconvenience. I don't like feeling insignificant. I spent a good part of my life feeling unloved because my parents were dysfunctional, lazy, and emotional retards. One day I hope to get their point of view on all of this. Memories warp in funny ways....I know this. Everyone write a book!!
I'm never having kids.
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