Well, folks, after 8 months I've finally done it. 
I've found my teacher voice

You know, the one where you speak authoritatively, not necessarily angrily though that probably doesn't hurt on occasion, and kids actually listen to you? It's the most magical thing. I haven't been able to do that yet, though to be fair, I haven't been put in many situations where I have needed to. 

The situation that coaxed it out of me is funny, infuriating, and mildly baffling. I had to tell an 8th grade boy -twice- to stop rubbing his crotch in front of not only myself and my supervisor, but a group of girls he was casually chatting with in the process. Sure, the reason he began wiping himself was more or less legitimate- spilling a drink on his pants- but is it necessary to keep rubbing for more than a few seconds? I don't think so. 

I yelled across a room and probably gestured, and the girls clapped for me after he went and sat at another table. 

Gross. 

Success!

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