should
"should" is a condition.
I hold myself to an image that i feel like ill never live up to. its insane and I dont quite understand 1. why i do it. and 2. where the image comes from since I am a person without clearly defined "goals" in the traditional sense of "in five years i want to _____"
I get overwhelmed at the amount of things I need to do, then I tell myself to stop being such a whiner since I dont even have THAT much responsibility to begin with (compared to others, probably). THEN I get mad at myself for not having more things to do, that I should be doing more or be better at such and such thing.
1. I dont have money and this dentist crap is stressing me into an early grave for no reason, probably because it harpoons me into a "I shouldnt have problems at 23." I should be able to pay for it myself if I have to--which I do. More importantly, I want someone to help me.
1a. wisdom teeth! nerves! ahhh.
1b. I grind my teeth because of this needless worry and then i worry about how im grinding my teeth. how is that normal!?
2. MAG. I dont know what I'm "supposed" to be doing and this scares me. I also feel like I don't have any real reason to be doing "my own thing" and have no qualifications to do so. But I am trying not to freak myself/ psych myself out too badly. Once I know what I'm working with I hope I'll stop being so nervous. I have expectations that I should be some bad-ass awesome genius art person w/ insight and 'smarts'. I want to come up with something ingenius and be that guy, but in the back of my mind I keep telling myself there's no way I can be 'that guy'.
3. stupid Hartnett.
4. philosophy, the fact that I don't like reading even though I want to feel like I KNOW this stuff. Again, I feel like I should be better at interpreting/extrapolating. Smarter.
5. I look at this list and then get mad at myself for putting so much pressure on myself. And just keep going to..
6. I feel like crap about feeling like crap, physically. About my body. I keep saying I should start exercising again and eating like I used to but I never do.
7. $$ for 'things'.
$$ for Lauren's wedding. $$ for furniture and moving in. $$ for going home. $$ for ...life. This should actually be number 1. I'm the poor kid. I've always been the poor kid. For no reason this makes me feel really really bad about myself.
8. Guilt about talking to Jan Jan. Then guilt about NOT talking to Jan Jan since I need to get on that.
9. This isn't a stress so much as something I need/want to do: Project 42!
10. Overarching stress monster, maybe..= I FREAK the FUCK out whenever I get like this (as in, stressed and dont give a shit about my life) because I do not want to be this way! And then I freak out some more when I can't take hold of my own thought process. Then I sort of submit for a while to not caring about my life in the way I can imagine an injured animal sort of stops moving in the middle of the road even though it knows it's not a safe place to reside.
Ultimately, I know it'll be okay and I just need to keep my thoughts under wraps so i dont keep sinking.
I hold myself to an image that i feel like ill never live up to. its insane and I dont quite understand 1. why i do it. and 2. where the image comes from since I am a person without clearly defined "goals" in the traditional sense of "in five years i want to _____"
I get overwhelmed at the amount of things I need to do, then I tell myself to stop being such a whiner since I dont even have THAT much responsibility to begin with (compared to others, probably). THEN I get mad at myself for not having more things to do, that I should be doing more or be better at such and such thing.
1. I dont have money and this dentist crap is stressing me into an early grave for no reason, probably because it harpoons me into a "I shouldnt have problems at 23." I should be able to pay for it myself if I have to--which I do. More importantly, I want someone to help me.
1a. wisdom teeth! nerves! ahhh.
1b. I grind my teeth because of this needless worry and then i worry about how im grinding my teeth. how is that normal!?
2. MAG. I dont know what I'm "supposed" to be doing and this scares me. I also feel like I don't have any real reason to be doing "my own thing" and have no qualifications to do so. But I am trying not to freak myself/ psych myself out too badly. Once I know what I'm working with I hope I'll stop being so nervous. I have expectations that I should be some bad-ass awesome genius art person w/ insight and 'smarts'. I want to come up with something ingenius and be that guy, but in the back of my mind I keep telling myself there's no way I can be 'that guy'.
3. stupid Hartnett.
4. philosophy, the fact that I don't like reading even though I want to feel like I KNOW this stuff. Again, I feel like I should be better at interpreting/extrapolating. Smarter.
5. I look at this list and then get mad at myself for putting so much pressure on myself. And just keep going to..
6. I feel like crap about feeling like crap, physically. About my body. I keep saying I should start exercising again and eating like I used to but I never do.
7. $$ for 'things'.
$$ for Lauren's wedding. $$ for furniture and moving in. $$ for going home. $$ for ...life. This should actually be number 1. I'm the poor kid. I've always been the poor kid. For no reason this makes me feel really really bad about myself.
8. Guilt about talking to Jan Jan. Then guilt about NOT talking to Jan Jan since I need to get on that.
9. This isn't a stress so much as something I need/want to do: Project 42!
10. Overarching stress monster, maybe..= I FREAK the FUCK out whenever I get like this (as in, stressed and dont give a shit about my life) because I do not want to be this way! And then I freak out some more when I can't take hold of my own thought process. Then I sort of submit for a while to not caring about my life in the way I can imagine an injured animal sort of stops moving in the middle of the road even though it knows it's not a safe place to reside.
Ultimately, I know it'll be okay and I just need to keep my thoughts under wraps so i dont keep sinking.
Comments
Post a Comment