Call to arms
Okay. So, school kind of sucks for me lately. I've lost motivation and I don't know what I like, what I'm good at, or what I'm "meant to do"I used to believe very strongly that there was something for me, but who doesn't? I guess I also know what I like on the surface, but I don't hold onto much excitement for things lately.
This year is supposed to be about trying something different, something that sparks an interest. And I need to remember this. I also need to remember that this is an opportunity not many students have, and that's pretty cool. (even if the past four years have kind of run me into a giant crater in the earth known as debt and I feel entitled to some free education. But that's for another time.)
But there are some other things going on with me that I know I need to deal with. I haven't been. Well, I try, but sometimes I feel like things are getting worse or that I have no control. I feel I'm sinking and getting stuck in my potentially very-destructive-negative thinking.
----------------
I love working in a coffee shop, but I worry sometimes this is it. This is what I'm going to be. This is what people see me as. I worry about being complacent and settling.
This year is supposed to be about trying something different, something that sparks an interest. And I need to remember this. I also need to remember that this is an opportunity not many students have, and that's pretty cool. (even if the past four years have kind of run me into a giant crater in the earth known as debt and I feel entitled to some free education. But that's for another time.)
But there are some other things going on with me that I know I need to deal with. I haven't been. Well, I try, but sometimes I feel like things are getting worse or that I have no control. I feel I'm sinking and getting stuck in my potentially very-destructive-negative thinking.
----------------
I love working in a coffee shop, but I worry sometimes this is it. This is what I'm going to be. This is what people see me as. I worry about being complacent and settling.
The trouble is, lately I feel like a deadbeat, like I've got nothing going for me and one day everyone around me will wake up and realize this too. Most of the time I don't feel good enough.I need to stop. Right now.
I need to quit thinking my life is going nowhere. My life hasn't even started yet. I have potential. And I'm quite capable. (even if I don't know what this potential is necessarily for.)
I never used to be scared of having big ideas because they might not happen or might not work. I'd write or paint or plan without the anticipation of failure and without worrying that it wouldn't be the next best thing I have ever done. I wouldn't stop painting because it didn't live up to XY or Z. I didn't limit myself with expectations. Now I do this with everything.
I need to stop feeling hopeless and waiting for things to happen; to see what other people are doing and feel like I'm not doing the right thing. I have to make things happen. But first I have to realize that I can.
--------
I recognize this will take some work- some positive thinking and a lot of re-enforcement. But I need to start. I really really do.
Comments
Post a Comment