The Conversation Breakdown
I have to say, sometimes I really don't like talking about the "job-life-what are you doing next/ever" with my very single, very unattached friends.
It's not that I don't value their opinions, on the contrary. It's just that the advice, and general direction of the conversation, given by my single friends is incredibly different from what I would consider my current outlook. It also contributes to my constant love affair with life-confusion.
Allow me to explain.
In any case, conversations with friends can typically be boiled down into five key segments:
Okay, so maybe those last two should be sub-categories, but it's my numbering system so I get to decide. Either way, categories 1,2,and 3 don't exist without consideration of category 5 (if its serious). And I suppose category 4 cannot go untouched if you have a "normal" social life...or if you just like commiserating about horrible first-date-experiences (we all love those!) Me? I am in the serious section of number 5. So, naturally that comes up quite often during conversations with my friends.
When solicited, my single friends spend a lot of time kindly lecturing me on how our 20's should be about taking the time to figure out our shit.* It's about being unattached, about self-exploration. Essentially, it's about being selfish and "doing what you want...because when else are you going to be able to?"
However, the problem- and the crux of this argument about free self-exploration is- "how can you do this unless you're unattached?"
Self-exploration.....This is something I think about [far too] often. Although, I realized after having a number of these conversations that I have always considered it from the eyes of a single person.
Another point: In response to these conversations, I would like say that I think that attachment (aka a relationship and a commitment to someone other than yourself) and self-exploration are not mutually exclusive. I would like to think they can -and do-happen at the same time. I also think that putting pressing on yourself to 'pick one' is unfair and unnecessary...and I don't like that I feel pressured during these conversations.
Ultimately, I think it's about priorities.....and one of my priorities just so happens to be my relationship. With that comes the commitment, the confusion (and the clarity), the compromise, and hopefully the 'figuring it all out' part that is supposed to happen during this part of my life.
Here's to me being right?
---------
It's not that I don't value their opinions, on the contrary. It's just that the advice, and general direction of the conversation, given by my single friends is incredibly different from what I would consider my current outlook. It also contributes to my constant love affair with life-confusion.
Allow me to explain.
In any case, conversations with friends can typically be boiled down into five key segments:
- The Catch-Up: the Hi, how are you's and the 'what's new's that keep the dialogue in motion.
- "Career": The job, the job search, the lack of job, or the general state of confusion that keeps some of us hounding our friends for moral support and/or answers to employment.
- Relationships. With a capital "R": This includes social, 'friendly' relationships or social outings, even interesting people we've met recently. But mainly it's reserved to one of the main topics.......
- Dating -and/or-
- Your Significant Other.
Okay, so maybe those last two should be sub-categories, but it's my numbering system so I get to decide. Either way, categories 1,2,and 3 don't exist without consideration of category 5 (if its serious). And I suppose category 4 cannot go untouched if you have a "normal" social life...or if you just like commiserating about horrible first-date-experiences (we all love those!) Me? I am in the serious section of number 5. So, naturally that comes up quite often during conversations with my friends.
When solicited, my single friends spend a lot of time kindly lecturing me on how our 20's should be about taking the time to figure out our shit.* It's about being unattached, about self-exploration. Essentially, it's about being selfish and "doing what you want...because when else are you going to be able to?"
However, the problem- and the crux of this argument about free self-exploration is- "how can you do this unless you're unattached?"
Self-exploration.....This is something I think about [far too] often. Although, I realized after having a number of these conversations that I have always considered it from the eyes of a single person.
But, I am not a single person.
Nor do I plan on being one any time soon! In fact, I'm very not-single and very attached.
So....it's safe to say that lately I have a hard time taking the advice from those that urge me to "do what's right for me" and "find myself" like I'm about to go on a cross-country road-trip with nothing but a full tank of gas, some energy bars, and my high hopes for discovery. Like that ever works for anyone?
Anyway. So, what is my point here?
Well, I suppose my only real motivation behind this post (turned-rant) was to say that these conversations bother me. I find them stressful and unhelpful and ...misguided...at times.
On the other hand, I do take some of it to heart. Realistically, I am currently very confused about the 'me' part and am easily caught up in this dilemma of ' how to be my own person' in order to 'figure it out'. This is not really news to anyone. I don't know how to be all about me, something I was never good at in the first place, AND all about someone else and my relationship.
I don't know how it's fair /to make it fair to either person to try to be your own person with (or maybe in need of) your own goals while simultaneously growing with another person's separate goals while also sharing in an effective system of compromise (and also 'goal sharing').
Sometimes, it just seems like it's so unfair to both parties....I have a lot of trouble with that. I have trouble with the possibility of holding you or me or both people back because of geography or whatever other variables are in place. Like I said, it feels unfair.
Another point: In response to these conversations, I would like say that I think that attachment (aka a relationship and a commitment to someone other than yourself) and self-exploration are not mutually exclusive. I would like to think they can -and do-happen at the same time. I also think that putting pressing on yourself to 'pick one' is unfair and unnecessary...and I don't like that I feel pressured during these conversations.
Ultimately, I think it's about priorities.....and one of my priorities just so happens to be my relationship. With that comes the commitment, the confusion (and the clarity), the compromise, and hopefully the 'figuring it all out' part that is supposed to happen during this part of my life.
Here's to me being right?
---------
*In between the talk about jobs and life and what you did last friday is a constant back-and-forth that looks a little like a quarter-life-crisis monologue at the beginning of a romantic comedy: "I wish I were in a relationship...no wait, I'm glad I'm single....yea this is the time to be single." Self-deception!?
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